Not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie, seriously where does it get you in life? Nowhere.

Once upon a time I needed antidepressants. I spent some time in an out-patient program for mentally ill people. Before anyone judges... I was not CRAZY. There were in fact some crazy people in there. That's all I'm allowed to discuss about that. Yes, I had some emotional issues and there were serious things that I never allowed myself to mentally handle. I was a person who seriously just tucked the bad feelings away. I checked myself into this program. The program was sort of like a 'school' of sorts. I'd go from 9am-3/4pm, they taught you coping skills and you got 1 on 1 therapy as well as group therapy in a classroom type setting. In one way I felt like I belonged there, but in many ways in comparison to the others in there, I didn't belong. Keep in mind, this was 6 years ago. That is when I began taking anti-depressants. You name it, I've been on it. Except for Prozac, I was never on that. The 1 on 1 therapy sucked and she just wanted me to talk about my feelings. She didn't ask questions so we sat there a lot. I never found a therapist I liked actually. For 4 years I was on antidepressants. 4 freaking years of medication. I was terrible about keeping up on getting my pills, as I had to drive 20/25mns sometimes just to pick it up and go into the city of Poughkeepsie just to get it filled, it was scary and nervewracking for me. I went in and out of withdrawls several times and it was just plain awful.

In Feb/March 2 years ago I went through something that has changed me forever. I'm not ready to get into exact detail right now, but we were getting ready to leave to go over a friends house and I opened the front door to leave and my precious babygirl Cheyanne (Doberman) ran out into the front yard. She circled the yard several times while I was yelling for her and then she ran into the road and got hit by a car. I'll never forget her scream, and then mine. Never. Ever. I lost her that night and sometimes I think I lost a part of myself. She was my very first dog living out on my own and I think about her constantly.

It was soon after, (days? 1 week?) that I just stopped taking my antidepressants. I had officially had enough and just wanted to stop feeling like a zombie. I don't really remember the withdrawls too much. I honestly think I was in too much emotionally pain to even notice the withdrawls... it's not like the withdrawls aren't noticable either. They. Are. Awful. I wont lie, it wasn't easy for a while not being on the meds and highly suggest anyone else consult a doctor before doing something like that. Never go cold turkey on antidepressants. I didn't feel like I had a doctor that really gave a rats ass about me, that's why I took it into my own hands. I was tired of not feeling like myself, tired of feeling like a zombie. It took my body a long time, nearly 2 full years, to stop having occasional withdrawls. Granted, I was off the meds, but every now and again my body would get sickly again, I would actually have to stay in bed, or lay down somewhere. I couldn't eat, couldn't focus and couldn't drive.

I mention all of this because life is a journey and being through specific things has made me who I am. At one time antidepressants were good for me, it helped me. But in the end I didn't want to rely on them forever. I also mention because last night I had withdrawl symptoms again for the first time in almost 10months. It was weird, and sucked but was luckily brief. Usually they would last a full day, it was only a few hours this time.

One downside to everything is that I think I began to use food to cope when I stopped my pills. I was 130 when I met my husband and I am pretty sure I was up near about 230 at my biggest. I'm roughly 180 or so currently, so I've come a long way. Everyday can be a struggle with food, I'm learning to not use it as comfort, well.. learning not to abuse it. I do pretty good sometimes and other times no so good. One foot in front of the other. I just need to remind myself of my journey and take better care of myself.

I still often get into slumps. But honestly, I feel great most of the time. I'm nothing like i was before and I'm learning to live without Cheyanne. I miss her dearly and she will always be the girl of my dreams.

I hope no one thinks of me differently because of all of this.
It felt good to get it out there.