alone

i hate feeling so alone

joe is being a grump bc he wants a bj. supposidly he keeps track of how many he gets. clearly this puts me in the mood to give him one. *insert dumptruck load of sarcasm here*

im so over today. im making grilled pizza and watching my thursdays shows, hopefully it will help. oh and give a bj to keep peace. sad.

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4 pack bodysuits

babies r us for $5.99

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here i thought walmart had cool baby stuff

Boy I was wrong. Macys and kohls have awesome stuff! Enroute to babies r us for my baby fix.

I ONLY saw one pregnant lady today, but the night is still young!

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CD19 7:30 am fmu

BD last night. jumped dh in his sleep. he was quite cheery this morning and said i could wake him up that way anytime. hopefully another round after work later. cmon spermies. lets go!

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CD18 EWCM

ITS GO TIME!!!!!!

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too tired

I was actually too tired to really inspect my line on my opk yesterday. I looked at it again and the line does appear darker than the day before. Maybe I'm beginning to O? Maybe its coming soon?? I hope so! I really want to nail it this month. I want to be a mom so much, its really all that's ever on my mind. Being up so early is past week has made me look at all the little kiddos getting on school buses, with their backpacks looking huge on their backs, their lunch bags and moms waiting with them, sometimes the occasional dad.

I want that.

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exhausted.

Work has been insane.
Up between 6 and 6:30 and nonstop manual labor until 5/6/7/8pm. Today was particularly bad because I got sunburned pretty bad. I left the site at 4pm to go home, run errands and make it to volleyball for 6:30pm. Played until 9 and then ate at the diner. Showered for the second time today and now finally in bed. Ill be getting up early tomorrow to do it all over again, with sunblock I hope!

I'm lucky to have time to dip my O sticks! And luckily time to post the pics. Off to bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

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CD17 EWCM but not much of a line change.

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CD16 FAIL! :(

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CD15

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CD14

i apologize for the terrible pic. lets go O!

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i have priorities! lmao

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It's going to be a long weekend/week!

Well, today is the start of a busy weekend and week. I'm just typing up a quick blog while I have a couple minutes, I'm waiting on Joe to go get a tanker filled up with sealer, then I have to run across the bridge to scout for DOT(Dept of Transportation - aka Troopers waiting to pull over anything and everything in truck form that looks suspicious so they can write lots'o'tickets and get the shit impounded). LOL! It's best to just avoid them to begin with!

Today we are sealing a bunch of driveways in a townhouse type development. At one point a few years ago we actually sealed a bunch of the driveways there as well as all the roadways. Well the community didn't have the money to do all the roads again, but a bunch of the townhouse owners contacted us again to do their driveways. I think we have 8 or so to do and we are going to put fliers up on all the neighbors doors to let them know we are in the area. Hopefully we can spend another day or two next weekend doing more of them.

We also have a huge job this week. We are Cleaning, Cracking, Sealing and Striping a condo complex in Washingtonville. Let me just start out by saying that this place is a TURD. T.U.R.D. There's cracks so big, kids can play with their matchbox cars in them, not to mention is is dirty! There are weeds growing from all the cracks and all along the curbs, the dirt is ridiculous and there's a decent amount of actual garbage floating around. It's sad that they haven't taken the time to take care of the place in all this time. There are more cracks than we can ever fill, so we're doing the best we can and going to hit the major and most important ones, but really, they need a miracle instead! The worst part is going to be the cleaning. Luckily we have to do it in small enough chunks because we need to take parking into consideration. We can only seal so much before it reaks havoc on the people who live there. But at the same time it will take a few extra days because of that too. In the end it shouldn't be too bad and the paycheck from it will be sweeeeeeeeeet.

Well, I'm headed out of here in a couple, it's going to be a long day, but a good day. At some point today I need to get to the store to get some opk's. I hope I can squeeze some time in there!

Not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie, seriously where does it get you in life? Nowhere.

Once upon a time I needed antidepressants. I spent some time in an out-patient program for mentally ill people. Before anyone judges... I was not CRAZY. There were in fact some crazy people in there. That's all I'm allowed to discuss about that. Yes, I had some emotional issues and there were serious things that I never allowed myself to mentally handle. I was a person who seriously just tucked the bad feelings away. I checked myself into this program. The program was sort of like a 'school' of sorts. I'd go from 9am-3/4pm, they taught you coping skills and you got 1 on 1 therapy as well as group therapy in a classroom type setting. In one way I felt like I belonged there, but in many ways in comparison to the others in there, I didn't belong. Keep in mind, this was 6 years ago. That is when I began taking anti-depressants. You name it, I've been on it. Except for Prozac, I was never on that. The 1 on 1 therapy sucked and she just wanted me to talk about my feelings. She didn't ask questions so we sat there a lot. I never found a therapist I liked actually. For 4 years I was on antidepressants. 4 freaking years of medication. I was terrible about keeping up on getting my pills, as I had to drive 20/25mns sometimes just to pick it up and go into the city of Poughkeepsie just to get it filled, it was scary and nervewracking for me. I went in and out of withdrawls several times and it was just plain awful.

In Feb/March 2 years ago I went through something that has changed me forever. I'm not ready to get into exact detail right now, but we were getting ready to leave to go over a friends house and I opened the front door to leave and my precious babygirl Cheyanne (Doberman) ran out into the front yard. She circled the yard several times while I was yelling for her and then she ran into the road and got hit by a car. I'll never forget her scream, and then mine. Never. Ever. I lost her that night and sometimes I think I lost a part of myself. She was my very first dog living out on my own and I think about her constantly.

It was soon after, (days? 1 week?) that I just stopped taking my antidepressants. I had officially had enough and just wanted to stop feeling like a zombie. I don't really remember the withdrawls too much. I honestly think I was in too much emotionally pain to even notice the withdrawls... it's not like the withdrawls aren't noticable either. They. Are. Awful. I wont lie, it wasn't easy for a while not being on the meds and highly suggest anyone else consult a doctor before doing something like that. Never go cold turkey on antidepressants. I didn't feel like I had a doctor that really gave a rats ass about me, that's why I took it into my own hands. I was tired of not feeling like myself, tired of feeling like a zombie. It took my body a long time, nearly 2 full years, to stop having occasional withdrawls. Granted, I was off the meds, but every now and again my body would get sickly again, I would actually have to stay in bed, or lay down somewhere. I couldn't eat, couldn't focus and couldn't drive.

I mention all of this because life is a journey and being through specific things has made me who I am. At one time antidepressants were good for me, it helped me. But in the end I didn't want to rely on them forever. I also mention because last night I had withdrawl symptoms again for the first time in almost 10months. It was weird, and sucked but was luckily brief. Usually they would last a full day, it was only a few hours this time.

One downside to everything is that I think I began to use food to cope when I stopped my pills. I was 130 when I met my husband and I am pretty sure I was up near about 230 at my biggest. I'm roughly 180 or so currently, so I've come a long way. Everyday can be a struggle with food, I'm learning to not use it as comfort, well.. learning not to abuse it. I do pretty good sometimes and other times no so good. One foot in front of the other. I just need to remind myself of my journey and take better care of myself.

I still often get into slumps. But honestly, I feel great most of the time. I'm nothing like i was before and I'm learning to live without Cheyanne. I miss her dearly and she will always be the girl of my dreams.

I hope no one thinks of me differently because of all of this.
It felt good to get it out there.

Workin hard for my money

So many of the blogs I'm subscribed to are TTC related. I hope I don't drive you ladies nuts with my randomness and boring blogging about my life.

In any case, I haven't had much of a chance to blog much lately because I've been working a lot. Working helps keep my mind off of a lot of things going on. I'll admit I've been a little stressed out lately, but working and keeping busy has been pretty wonderful. Oh and considering my computer decides to have an attitude occasionally and wont turn on, blogging from my phone can be a little tedious.

I've been on the road with my husband working. We currently have no more employees. It's just him and I. For right now that's what is working best, why pay out when we can do it ourselves and make more money? I'm completely aware that at some point I'm not going to be able to crack fill, clean, sealcoat and line stripe parking lots and driveways. (or at least I hope!!) But in the meantime, I'm out there doing my thang! Pretty soon it will be winter and we will be plowing snow and shoveling sidewalks. Luckily we are taking applications and resumes for employees.

I definitely like working with Joe. Side by side we both have our best interests in mind and we don't dick off. We are out there working hard for the same goals and we make a great team. I like the fact that we can both, in a way, turn off the fact that we are married to get the job done... but at the same time we work better because we are a couple. I'm not sure if that made any sense!

So, I'm awaiting my SS reciever to get her final card in the mail. I'm excited because I hope she loves it. I think she will. I'm also stoked to start this next round which is color themed. Granted the color of the person I recieved is the one color I dislike - LOL - but it will be fun nonetheless. I'm going to send so much of this color, even I'll learn to like it! <3

Tomorrow I'm signing up for Volleyball. I think we are actually going to play tomorrow too. I'm excited and nervous all at once. I'm pretty out of shape, and I dont know anyone else there, but I played in highschool so I know what to expect... somewhat...

Well, that's all I've got for now.

delila

delila <3

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dirty dogs

this is why my dogs always need a bath, they love to sun themselves in the dirt lol!

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She's moving.

My best friend is moving today. She’s not moving across town. She’s not moving another town over, nor is she moving another county away. My best friend is moving 700 miles away. Today isn’t a good day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Why does history repeat itself? Its old and I’ve had enough.

Baby stash

Hi, my name is Yvonne and I officially have a baby stash.


Last night Joe and I went out to walmart because we needed a few odds and ends and I told him I needed a baby fix. The walmart in town has a dissapointing baby department. Another walmart just over the river has a better, bigger selection. I ONLY bought a little white onsie with stars on it. Today I was out and about with my best friend and we went to Target and I picked up the cute giraffe stuffed animal that plays a tune because A. I didnt get it last time I was there and B. it was finally on sale! Joe and I both loved it when we saw it the first time. Marissa and I went to Kohls to check out their baby dept. O.M.G. !! I love, love love Kohls baby dept. YES, some things seem overpriced and I've seen similar "Carter's" baby clothes cheaper, the same exact items. BUT!! They had a huge sale going on and I got some awesome CUTE stuff for half price, so they were more reasonable. 


So now, between the stuff Joe had bought a few months ago, and the odds and ends I have picked up, I officially have a baby stash <3 Now it's just a matter of getting that BFP! <3

apparently im lame

apparently im lame because real life responsibilities get in the way of things i want to do for fun...

horray for being an adult and responsible..........

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CD2

So, it's CD2 (cycle day 2) At least that's what I assume, AF came last night. I'm not going to lie, it hurts. It aches. Little by little I'm learning that if I don't get my hopes up, or get my hopes up less, it hurts less. This is true, but even if I'm completely non-hopeful (is that a word?) it's still going to hurt. I think I'm going to temp this month (temping is taking your temperature at the same time every morning when you first wake up). But honestly, I dont really know if I want to get that in depth with it. I do not OPK.(Ovulation predictor kit) I have a good idea of when I O and when to BD. I figured it would just happen by doing that. Sure we haven't REALLY been trying except for the past few months, 3 cycles? 4? But I've been off my birthcontrol since the last week in December. It amazes me that some teenagers can breathe on a penis and get pregnant! (I dont mean this as an insult, don't take it as one, my mom had my sister at 16. My sister is 40 and my mom is 56. I'm 26 lol) Shoot, I even waited to have sex for the first time because my mom was pregnant young. I was 17. JUST IN CASE. Which is why I figured it would happen quick. Well, it's not happening quick and little by little that realization is sinking in and I'm getting used to it. It WILL happen and I NEED to be somewhat patient. Joe was actually bummed last night when I told him AF came, at least this time he really made it known he was bummed she came. I thought that was cool and sweet and showed me how much he is also looking forward to this.

I'm back, obviously, from my weekend getaway. I had a lot of fun but I REALLY missed home. This was the longest I was away since I left for a while when things got bad between Joe and I. Being away makes me miss him so much and makes me just want to be home! Granted I had a good time when I was away, it's just not the same without him. It's going to be tough because I'm leaving for just about a week next month for my Salmon Fishing trip is Pulaski NY. THAT'S going to be hard without him! 

Well, I'm off to take care of some things around the house. This place is such a disaster. It's sooo good to be home!!

on vaca

so, im on a mini vaca until monday evening.
no sign of AF, didnt test this morning bc i tested all week with bfn's. so frustrating and i swear i had an emotional breakdown earlier.

im avoiding TMP bc its making me more depressed for some reason.

i assume af is on her way.
i just want to go home, snuggle with my husband and dogs and cry some more.

i refuse to test anymore. just going to chalk this month up as yet another reproductive failure.

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